Maybe I’m wasting my young years?

“Alexa, please play me wasting my young years by london grammar.”

I mean, it’s quite obvious right?

I mean, without me saying it in the quotation, you could tell from the title of this article, the song I was listening to, precisely (if you don’t, start shaping your music taste). Well recently, this song tends to come up, every now and then on my curated playlists or even on shuffle from Spotify which could sometimes be in one’s favor, on good days (if you’re an active user of Spotify, you understand what I mean), which might be for a reason, I don’t know. But, listening to this certain song, always has me in a reflective mood. It has my thoughts thinking things; past events and present events alike, and the recurring thought from reflecting is, “Maybe I’m wasting my young years.”

The year I turned 13, I remember having a mental vision board of everything I wanted to achieve and everything I hoped to become. I remember saying that when I’m at the point where I’m at now, I’d be unstoppable. But guess what? I’m 21 now which is, 8 long years after and I can say without shame that I’m nowhere near being unstoppable. In fact, in the course of the years gone by, my life has drastically changed across all spheres.

At age 13, most of the ideologies I knew, have now changed. The ideas or tenets I once stood on have changed. I’m not the same person I was back then, which isn’t so shocking but then, 13-year-old me would be shocked. At age 21, I’m unlearning and then learning at the same time. The growth cycle is never-ending which isn’t such a surprise, I mean, life is a constant growth process. Some would say that the day we stop growing is the day we die and I can’t help but say that this is true.

I think if there’s one thing, I’m happy about through it all, that would be the fact that I hold no regrets. I honestly and genuinely believe, that every moment of happiness and turmoil alike, has brought me to this present point where I’m at and I might not be pleased cause I mean, I’m no yet where I want to be but I know that those experiences I had to go through, are what has helped shaped me into who I am as a person. A flawed, perfect-imperfection.

But then again, I do have an issue with myself and it is something I do want to work on, and well, like every bad habit, it’s hard to get rid of. There’s a term called impostor syndrome and this is when one downplays one’s abilities or achievements. It is like a displeasing after-taste in one’s mouth and always has one in a grey disposition. I can’t tell you the exact time this started but I’ve always been an insecure child, so I guess somewhere along the line, my insecurities morphed into this syndrome, that has me if not ridiculing myself oftentimes, has me feeling downcast and taking the joy out of the things I normally would enjoy, as I don’t go easy on myself with the criticisms, I endure.

For months, I refused to write. I mean, if you look at my very first post, then the second, and now the third, you can see the irregularities in the timeline. Some people might say that it is normal, as writers take breaks and all. But within myself, I know this isn’t true. I stopped writing because I would do this weighing up between myself and other people I look up to, and then, heavily criticize myself into thinking I’m no good. I have drafts that I find very hard to go back to cause I think they are not good enough and it’s unhealthy.

If there’s anything I’ve learned with craftmanship over time, is that one needs to give room for oneself to grow and the thing with growth is that, it’s a gradual process. No one ever has it figured from the onset and even if they do, along the line, there are noticeable changes that will be made. Changes that can be synonymous to the word, progress. I mean, over time, one is definitely going to get better and not remain the same but in order for that cycle to begin, one has to first commence and well, there’s me, avoiding the cycle whereas I do have all it takes and even though I might not be perfect, I have to first give myself room for growth. I have to be easy on myself and be patient. Letting the creativity within me shine and flourish.

Also, aside from the impostor syndrome and not feeling that I’m good enough. There’s also the issue of allowing myself to be scared to put myself out there which is a crazy thought, I know and this is the greatest limitation cause there’s no way my creativity can shine without me stepping into the limelight. The two go hand in hand together, so I believe. There’s also the fact that I allow the time to go by oftentimes without doing anything worthwhile. Most times, I just want to dwell in the moment, in the loop of things but then, I come to the hard realization that it isn’t helping me in any way. If anything, it makes me frantic, nervous and scared. Sometimes, I say to myself, “Take a break, you deserve it.” but then I wonder, have I done anything worthwhile that’s deserving of me taking breaks? I mean, if anything I’m just living in deceit. My mind is so awfully chaotic and sometimes, it’s hard to get a grasp. It’s hard to get control over the workings of my mind and 70% if not 80% of the time, the workings do get their way.

A while back, there was this trend on Twitter whereby people were asked to quote a tweet that suggests talking about the achievements they’ve made in life and I’m sorry, though it might seem weird and utterly despicable, every time I came across that very tweet, reading through the various tweets made by amazing, remarkable people alike, I was left heartbroken. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as though I hate them or I am not rooting for them. The fact is despite feeling downcast, I’m in awe of them cause some of those achievements were beyond remarkable and left me feeling inspired. You know, the drive to do better and be better and I mean, it worked cause I’m writing this article. But then again, seeing things like that just makes you wonder if there’s a chance you can ever be like them. I mean, with a few minor adjustments in one’s lifestyle, here and there and there’s also the compare and contrast side which I’m aware I’m not supposed to do but then again, I can’t help but think about how I’m mediocre compared to them.

I know that sounds pitiful and sounds like a terrible way to live but yeah and in a way, I think it’s somewhat good. Some of the life choices I’ve made and the steps I keep on taking aren’t profitable. I need a wake-up call (and I think I’ve gotten that a couple of times). I need to learn to do better and be better and it might seem that I’m being driven by fear but even at that, I still think the fear in question; the fear of the unknown is quite the drive I need cause I know that deep down, I’m capable of so much more than I let myself offer and of course, I’m still very young and I can be allowed or permitted rather, to rewrite the wrongs, and make better choices that would ensure that I don’t end up wasting my young years. Cause my young years are the opportunity to make life better for myself. In the sense that the older me can be in a better, much more fulfilled place, as that’s only right. So, yeah, writing this article is one step to getting there to that point.